Forever Loved...

8/14/11
Today was Daniel Harper's Celebration of Life. Tiffany and I drove down to GCA. As I walked into the foyer of the academy church, the emotion started welling up. Before me were 2 groupings of pictures of Logan and Daniel- wedding pics, Hawaii pics, mountainboarding, snowboarding, etc. Prelude music was seeping in from the sanctuary... already the tears were starting to build. It was hard to look at the pictures- so beautiful but now broken in a way cause only 1 remains, memories of 2. I know these showed a life lived well but all I was seeing was the brokenness, this was not the plan.

Similarities- Daniel is the closest person to me that has passed away. I think this is part of why all this has hit me so hard. Well, my great-grandmother passed away but she was 97. Daniel Harper 25, I'm 26. He was only married for barely 3 years. gone is the idea of growing old together. Daniel and I were not real close in college, more than aquantances but did not hang out much together. I see a lot of myself and what I want to be in Daniel. All the similarities and connections that I make in my head I think is part of the reason Daniel's death has been so hard for me. I see myself in him. I could have easily been Daniel. But would I have fought as bravely, as courageously? Would I have remained positive? Again and again the words on Daniel's blog would show his positive outlook. He told me in SLC that he knew, HE KNEW God would get him and Logan through this tough time. Would my faith have held like that? Daniel was extreme. He was into those extreme sports something that reasonates with me. And he excelled at them. I always have looked up to Daniel and guys like him who were awesome at extreme sports and had a love for Jesus. I love that combo, cause that is me, what I want to be. Daniel had a plan, we wanted to succeed, wanted to provide well for Logan. His ceremony brought out how much he cared for others, Daniel was a strong witness, he could talk to anyone, start a conversation, befriend them, and point them to Jesus. He would do this on the slopes while snowboarding with his un-churched friends, getting them to come to church with him, evening to the afternoon nursing home ministry. I want to be like that.

Praise- The service began with praise music. The tears had already come. It was an amazing praise music set. One that Daniel would have loved I'm sure. At the start I couldn't sing, I was so overcome, completely focused on realizing the reason why we were here... this was not church. Daniel Harper was not singing with us, he is dead, no more seeing him, no more talking to him, no more reading his inspiring blogs, no more praying for healing of his cancer. The emotions would come in waves by eyes would almost dry and then another thought of Daniel, another connection would be made and my eyes welled up again and again. The emotions only got stronger. I felt like breaking down and sobbing. Instead I attempted singing. Even thought my heart wanted to break, I was able to sing. I thought my voice would break but it did not. And the strength of my voice built up, I was singing loud. I've never experienced that before. My heart so broken, so hurting, the only thing I could do was lift my voice but to God and my heart trying to say God I don't understand, I hurt, we all are hurting so bad right now, I'm trying to trust, trying to believe in you, help me.

Logan- Slipped into the service and I didn't see her enter. I would have done the exact same thing. I saw her very briefly clutching to her chest was I presumed was a large purse. After the program I learned... Daniel's ashes close to her heart, clutching? holding on?

SLC- When I visited SLC for CRNA school interviews I was able to hang out with Daniel and Logan two evenings and both nights we went to the All about Jesus series at their church by Lee Venden. Pastor Bernie Anderson at the celebration of Life referenced to this in his talk saying he really saw Daniel and Logan dive into Jesus even more deeply during this time. I sensed this so much trust, faith, and spiritual and personal depth in Daniel and Logan. It was intriguing, it was inspiring being with them. Made me want to be a better, more Christ-filled person. I wanted to soak up the experience with them, soak up their words, like someone soaking up the wise words of something they deeply respect with has seen more life, more years than you. But Daniel and Logan are my age, slightly younger perhaps and I am wanting to soak them up.

Heaven- I think this is the first time my WHOLE-heart has wanted heaven to come right now, right here. Other times I have half wanted it, I liked the idea, seeing others hurt when someone close to them dies (wanting heaven for them), but sadly the human realm these things only feel completely real when they happen to you, to your heart, someone you know and love. Til Daniel's death things on earth felt cruddy at times but other times I really liked what is going on. I thought this probably part from my naivity and not experiencing awful earth mishaps like plagues, famines, wars, most natural disasters- I see them on TV and try to relate, try to comprehend, but my heart only feels it in part. At Daniel's ceremony, I saw all the hurt around me, felt with my own heart all the sadness, my heart was screaming out, "This is not the way life are suppose to be, this is wrong." I wanted to wake up, realize it was a bad dream. But every time I pinch myself, the sobering thought is again confirmed- Daniel, my friend, is dead

Balloons and... Hope- the final send off for Daniel. We each were given a balloon and a sharpie "Write a note to Daniel and we will release them all at once." The tears and emotions have been so strong, I didn't feel like anything was left. But as soon as I started thinking about what I wanted to say to Daniel, the tears clouded my vision. What do you wish you could tell someone? Someone you physically cannot tell, not here, not on earth. That's was I was doing, attempting... writing it on a balloon. Sobering to think about. As I wrote it got easier, alittle relief was felt for the heaviness of the last couple hours, the lump wasn't quite as big. Watching hundreds of balloons float into the sky was beautiful. A crystal blue sky eventually soaking up the rainbow of colors, like visible prayers, visible wishes being sent heavenward. Someday we are all going to get to do that. Someday we will float up, be soaked up in by the sky, rising to Jesus. That is was gives me hope right now. Even if it only feels like a sliver. I hear the best things in life are seldom visible things like faith and hope and love, perserverence, belief. Today, I realize this a little bit more clearly. They make life worth living(sometimes the only things that pull us through) but also feel so hard to grasp, so slippery, so elusive. I will love, LOVE the day when Daniel rises up, when Logan rejoins her awesome husband. I'll get to share the words I wrote on his balloon with my friend face to face. And the best part of all... it's only the beginning-