Sometimes the feeling of emptiness sneaks up at you in life and last week I felt this emptiness cause I'm focusing on the wrong things and trying to make those important. I seem to be someone who wants to have it all together- make a good impression, always say the right thing, make the correct decision (both in anesthesia school and in everyday life). I don't like to make bad or wrong decisions. I really don't like it... I hate it. I have this philosophy that I can make the right decisions as long as I make the necessary preparations. Such as laying the groundwork, doing the background research,  and  do my homework for whatever decision it might be. If this is done I reason things should and will go smooth. If they do not I find myself getting frustrated and irritated. I find myself analyzing what step in my preparation I did wrong to cause this problem. I think about that missed step ad nauseam. And then I belittle myself. I've found that I am my harshest critic. I am really hard on myself. When I make the "wrong decision" I attack myself. Due to my cheapskate tendency the situations involving money always get at me. I'd like to think of it as being a good steward rather than a cheapskate but I try to trust myself rather than trusting God as a good steward should. So I blame myself when I neglect to balance the front end of the Focus when I buy new tires and end up wearing them out in 7 months at the cost of $900 when I "planned and prepared" for those expensive tires to last us all the way through anesthesia school. And this happens at a time when I consider our finances to be especially tight. Or last week when I ran the washer with only Tiff's sweatpants resulting in a horrible crashing sound during the spin cycle and walking into the laundry room to find water pouring onto the ground. Result= broken washer. Another item I "planned" on lasting until graduation 11 months from now. I analyze the situation and the result is incessant wishing that if I had only washed those pants with other garments the washer would still be working. These little things stress me out a lot. More than I realize and I allow them to create a lot of stress. The learning process is a nasty thing. How do I grow to learn from past mistakes? How do I grow, learn from, and move on? And not get stuck rehearsing what I could have done that "would have" avoided the problem altogether. Learning that life is not problem free. Learning to embrace a challenge. Sitting here now I think I'm ready for a challenge but when they come they are often not what I expect and its all too easy to choose the wrong road. The "wish I could go back in time and chance that one action and none of this would have happened" road. May you Jesus nurture and mature this in me-